Friday, October 12, 2007

Emotions run high

I know, "What else is new?"

I was reading a message from someone on the CAST support group. Her daughter is appliance-free now. She started with a 50° curve in her spine and in that first cast they got her down to 21°. You can see her story and the progression here

A flood of emotions came over me. As I choked back tears, I couldn't figure out why - was I crying happy tears because Jack may be cured one day? Is it because Jack didn't see good results in his first cast? Is it because I hate going through this, and seeing someone else going through it breaks my heart? Because none of these sweet babies deserve to know so much pain and hurt? That little girl at Shriner's entered my mind - the one with the long, fresh, red scar running the length of her spine toddling in front of me as Jack cruised the hallways. Was this our inevitable future? What does our future hold?

Do you have any idea what it is like to be a massive control freak and have it all taken from you in one fell swoop? To not be able to take this from your child and put it upon yourself? To see them uncomfortable, even in pain, hungry, frustrated, and not be able to help?

And, then, I realize so many parents go through so much more than we do. A mom has been a very good friend to me this year whose son has/had Leukemia. I cannot FATHOM what she (and he) has gone through. My problems seem so minute in comparison. Or, I should say Jack's problems. But, you know what? Not one time has she ever uttered those words, or implied as such - she's never said, "yeah - well - at least your kid doesn't have cancer." She has been amazing, generous of spirit, comforting, loving. I am so grateful for her.

It's all perspective. Someone will always be worse off, and someone will always be better off. But, when it's my baby - the boy I dreamt of for over a decade - I cannot bear the pain. It gnaws at the pit of your stomach and makes your heart skip beats. It makes you throat hoarse from constantly choking back the tears and swallowing hard to not allow yourself to cry, to not let the kids see you cry.


Tuesday said...

Sweety, your pain is real, and your emotions are real, our pains in life are relative to our situations, not relative to that of others...You are having to deal with things that some of us (myself) wonder if we could even overcome, could even take head on and maintain any kind of are Jack's hero, and certainly you are both hero's in my eyes. Chin up ;). I'm thinking of you today with my cup of tea (GASP, yes, I's not coffee, it's tea...:X)...drop me a line, sweetpea.

Kimberlee said...

This was something I have learned in the past year. Grief is Grief. Trials are Trials. Pain is pain. All of us could tell someone else "you don't understand, this is worse". Things are what they are.

{{{HUGS}}} I know things are hard right now. And this is your BABY.

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