Thursday, July 20, 2006

I'm about over it

I have to gripe - because my kids don't care and my poor, sweet, sympathetic husband hears about it all the time - so I'm just going to get it off my chest and then try to sleep.

I'm about over it. I want to cherish these last days/weeks - I want to hide Jack from the world and relish in every kick. I want to sit and daydream about what life will be like when he's here and sit in wonder at the size of my swelling belly.

And, yet, the truth is - I'm miserable. I'm sick of it. I'm tired of being tired - I'm sick of being in pain. I want to sleep! I want to lay in bed without fifteen pillows strategically positioned under my belly, behind my back, between my legs, propping me up. I want to walk up the steps without having to stop halfway to catch my breath, or feel my knees buckling beneath me. I want to lay in bed and not have to pee the second I get comfortable. I want to sit in a chair at the end of the day, then walk across my kitchen floor without limited range of motion in my feet because they're so swollen it's like they're inflated. I want to drive down the street, or sit in the bed, without watching the clock struggling to remember exactly when that last contraction was - how long it has been - and when the next one would come. I want to not feel the pressure radiate to my back, wondering if the baby is posterior and if it will cause back labor. I want to go to sleep at night and not wonder if *this* trip to the bathroom will be the one that is preceded by a gush of fluid, and not wonder constantly what traffic is like on the bridge. I want to send J off to work without the concern that he won't make it home in time for the birth, much less time to get the kids somewhere *and* me to the hospital.

And, sometimes, when I'm sitting alone or soaking in the tub, I want to be pregnant forever - and never have to return to life without the magic that is carrying a child. Not have to return to life with stretched skin and wilted muscles and that empty feeling that all is quiet and still within.

1 comment:

Vicki said...

Sandi... you did it again; perfectly describing how you're feeling. I almost feel like I've been through it myself after reading that!

I didn't know that you were dialated to 4 on Tuesday! It won't be long now. Hang in there. Just promise me one thing. You will ask for and accept help after Jack's born. You know it's going to be crazy in your house. I really wish you would have some time for just you, John and Jack. Wouldn't that be nice? If there's anything that I can do with the girls, please let me know. I just know that they will want to be right there with all of you when Jack finally comes home. They aren't ones to want to stay overnight anywhere. (I talked to Madison about her experience when Peg was in town.) I wonder if they would be willing to just come over and hang out here for awhile. Maybe John could drop them off or I could pick them up. I have room to buckle three in my back seat! Does Piper use a toddler seat in the van? Anything... just ask.

Good luck! I hope you are feeling much better very soon. :o)
GREAT Aunt Vicki

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