We have hit day 6 and my psyche is miserable the last two days.
I hesitated to put this out there but I just needed to rationalize it and talk it out.
I'm feeling very sensitive lately. Today I'm kind of weepy. I had a lot of trouble falling asleep last night and I'm so touched-out at the end of the day I just want to go and hide somewhere. In the morning, I want to sleep - forever - I mean, just sleep and sleep. I hate work days. I hate that John has to leave and that I'm here all day having all the energy sucked out of me. I feel so drained even at the beginning of the day.
The olders are feeling the stress - picking it up from me, feeling their own, who knows. But, their behavior is deplorable. The house is in total chaos - both emotionally and physically. We scrambled to clean last night and when my Dad left it was so apparent that we are in over our heads. The girls' room was disgusting - they insist on shredding paper - ripping it and scattering it everywhere. I took away their toys months ago, except for a few prized things, and it's STILL A MESS.
It takes all our energy and effort just to stay on top of the current clutter and messes - and even then we fail. We'll never get closets cleaned out or things unpacked. I want to run away from all the bins and boxes and cubes.
No one listens to me. They stare at me like I've got four heads. The oldest will not read to save her life - despite the fact that it's a crucial part of our homeschooling. I'm so tired of all the destruction of things - nothing can be kept nice, I swear.
I don't know how we'll get through a year of this. Our old house has still not sold. We actually used credit this week. We never use credit - ever. We have at least six more trips to chicago - maybe 12 if you include follow-ups. How are we going to pay for that? I sit and crunch numbers over and over and over. But, what is the alternative? Surgery? And not just surgery, but a lifetime of surgeries and the risks that go along with it.
To top it off, I feel like his cast is shifting - his belly button is off to one side. I keep gently turning it back, but I'm afraid his spine is back-sliding and that it's going to get worse.
I hate watching him try to scoot across the floor and give up, laying his face on the carpet and whimpering in defeat. I hate watching him fall over and constantly being on edge because he's going to topple over and hit his face or his head - again. But, what is the alternative?
Even though I know this is the best thing for him, it's so hard. There's a lady at our grocery store who is always abrupt and snotty. She always has been. But, now, when she's rude I want to scream at her. I want to tell her everything this boy is going through and what a small person she is for being so trite. I'm mad at everything right now. I'm hurt by everything right now.
I'm ready for a new normal but my brain won't turn off the irrational anxieties (thinking cars on the highway are going to sideswipe us, not falling asleep at night because there may be a fire, making sure the alarm is on when we're watching TV so no one can break in quietly, etc.)
Is it going to get better?
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