It's just over a month until Jack's second birthday, and I find myself being a little weepy. And, no, not because he's my "baby" and he's growing up.
I think part of it is a release from all the stress of the last year. We thought he'd be casted for a year (coming up on the anniversary, just passed the anniversary of his diagnosis) and we'd be done. We thought, one year will suck, but then it'll be OVER.
It's not.
No end in sight.
No promise of cure.
A HUGE disappointment.
I feel angry, resentful, and flat out sad that this didn't work. I still have a glimmer of hope that I'm holding on to. But, the knowledge that this is "buying time" for our son is sick and wrong.
At a time when I would typically be a flurry of activity, planning a birthday party, I'm agonizing over the littlest things. I can hardly think about his birthday without wondering what his second year of life will be like.
I want to have a party that he'll love. I want it to be the BEST day for him. Because, frankly, he's been through more this year than is ever fair - especially for a toddler.
I know there are kids battling cancer. I know there are kids lost in accidents and drownings and all kinds of terrible tragedies. But that doesn't make this road any easier.
This year has been tumultuous, to say the least. We went from thinking he might have surgery to correct his curve, to learning the graphic details of what an internal support system would mean for him and instead turning our efforts instead toward casting.
We went from thinking this was a purely orthopaedic condition to learning that it can be life-threatening, that it can cause death in childhood. I remember reading websites about infantile scoliosis and seeing the pictures. I remember a little girl at Shriner's and I remember thinking, "Wow - she must have a lot wrong with her."
She didn't. It was just this.
I get so frustrated when people say, "Oh, yeah - my cousin/sister/aunt/daughter had that." No, they didn't. They had adolescent scoliosis and had a fighting chance. They were nearly DONE growing, not 10 months old with 17 to 18 years of battling this condition ahead of them - trying your damnedest to keep their precious internal organs from being crushed by their spine as they form and grow.
NO ONE TOLD US, EITHER!
I wonder what his childhood will look like.
I wonder if he will be outwardly different, and worry for him.
I already ache deeply when someone comments about him crawling funny or that he doesn't have good balance. Innocent comments become painful reminders that he is not the same as other two year olds.
So, today, when I should be deciding what menu to have, sending out invitations, planning a celebration of two years in his life - I am reflecting and afraid to look to the future because it is so uncertain. Sure, all of ours are. I get that. But, today I cannot decide between a farm party or his newest love, "Memo, fishy movie," because I keep wondering how many birthdays we'll have together.
Dramatic?
Maybe.
Walk a mile in my shoes.
I am strong and fight for him 95% of the time. We research until our eyes cross. We call and call and call and leave voicemails that are never returned. We drive countless hours, through storms and sun, with rising gas prices and financial strain, and sometimes, once in a while, we cry and say, "Why me? Why him?"
And, so, today, I will call the Neurofibromatosis clinic at Children's and schedule the appointment I have been dreading for weeks. Because his cast will only be off for less than a week, the week of his second birthday we will spend the day in a genetic disorders clinic finding out if the bump under the skin of is neck is a tumor. We will try to find some answers that we really don't have questions for. And, really, we don't want those either.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Monday, June 23, 2008
Determining what is best...
When I spoke with the doctor's assistant in the Salt Lake, something she said stuck in my mind. It was one of those passing comments that don't really hit you right away, but has a slow burn that builds over time. We took some time to consider all the factors, listening to the things other trusted friends and family have said, and made the decision not to go to Salt Lake.
Basically, his assistant said that Dr. D is trained in the same method as Dr. K and wouldn't really have anything else to offer. (Which we knew). And, the more I talk to the other B'ham girls, the more I realize that the things he's done to change the cast aren't impacting the results. Dr. K in b'ham has "cured" other kids with these casts, too. He's been doing this for years, and trusts our input as well. We love him, his staff, the hospital, the area. We know this system. It has served us well.
Dr. D, great as he may be, would end up costing us significantly more money in travel, though the care would be free. However, we always run the risk of hitting another vax snag like in Chicago. But, the travel would be awful. They want us there early in the AM for a clinic appointment, so we'd have to fly out and stay overnight an extra day. Then, the clinic day and another overnight. Then casting day they require you to stay and come back to the clinic the next day for any trimming. So, three nights, four very long days. That's a huge problem for us, particularly in regard to leaving the girls for that long (and bringing them is so insanely cost-prohibitive.)
We also found out that when Miss Mehta comes to Salt Lake, she's not actually casting any of the kids - she's just going to be there as a guest. So, that's out.
And - over the last month we've been appealing the decision to have Dr. K (b'ham) considered in network and JUST got that approved. So, now our cost of going to B'ham is considerably less since the casting won't be out of pocket there.
John added a very valid point - he likes the control of going to Birmingham. It's our car, our decision if we need to stop or go on (transportation-wise), we know where the restaurants are and where the hotels are that we like. We're finally learning our way around. We love the staff there. We know how the process goes. They pad the cast the way we like. No standing in line at airport security trying to comfort a cranky or sleepy post-anesthesia baby. No rushing to return a rental car, navigating the return desk, the shuttles to the airport with bags and a stroller and car seat and aforementioned cranky post-anesthesia baby in tow.
Flying with him post-anesthesia might be hard, particularly. OR changes happen all the time and casts are outgrown all the time. Even if we COULD afford a cheap southwest flight (right now they're $385 per person, round trip X 3) and three nights in a hotel and four days of meals - which, really, that's pushing it, financially - if we had to change a flight at the last minute, we'd have to upgrade to a full fare for all three of us. It would be a LOT more if we had a schedule change.
And, if we need to get to Birmingham, it's a matter of just getting in the car and driving there in one day. OR times change. We got bumped and flipped more than once in the Shriners network. Communication can be difficult, delayed, and sometimes nonexistant (we were supposed to have been called back "tomorrow" countless times - including this last week when, once again, we never heard back. That's not adequate care, in my opinion. When you have a child with ANY medical issue, you need answers as quickly as possible. If someone takes three, four, six weeks to get back to you after repeated voicemails - that's not right.)
Basically, the way DH put it - it's a lot of extra expense, stress, travel, and inconvenience - and for what? Is there any true added benefit? It IS essentially the same treatment. (Talking with the other Birmingham casting families has confirmed this for me - that he HAS done over the shoulder casts and WOULD if we really wanted it - he's doing them on a casting-friend's son right now.)
I just kind of feel like I wanted this so badly, but now - thanks, but no thanks. Dr. K doesn't think that this is the end of casting for Jack anymore - he's willing to keep on trucking, he's still getting results and correction - and it's not like Dr. D feels so confident in Jack's case that he could do anything better for us. So, I think we'll stay with the team we've come to know and care for, who hopefully feels the same way about us.
Basically, his assistant said that Dr. D is trained in the same method as Dr. K and wouldn't really have anything else to offer. (Which we knew). And, the more I talk to the other B'ham girls, the more I realize that the things he's done to change the cast aren't impacting the results. Dr. K in b'ham has "cured" other kids with these casts, too. He's been doing this for years, and trusts our input as well. We love him, his staff, the hospital, the area. We know this system. It has served us well.
Dr. D, great as he may be, would end up costing us significantly more money in travel, though the care would be free. However, we always run the risk of hitting another vax snag like in Chicago. But, the travel would be awful. They want us there early in the AM for a clinic appointment, so we'd have to fly out and stay overnight an extra day. Then, the clinic day and another overnight. Then casting day they require you to stay and come back to the clinic the next day for any trimming. So, three nights, four very long days. That's a huge problem for us, particularly in regard to leaving the girls for that long (and bringing them is so insanely cost-prohibitive.)
We also found out that when Miss Mehta comes to Salt Lake, she's not actually casting any of the kids - she's just going to be there as a guest. So, that's out.
And - over the last month we've been appealing the decision to have Dr. K (b'ham) considered in network and JUST got that approved. So, now our cost of going to B'ham is considerably less since the casting won't be out of pocket there.
John added a very valid point - he likes the control of going to Birmingham. It's our car, our decision if we need to stop or go on (transportation-wise), we know where the restaurants are and where the hotels are that we like. We're finally learning our way around. We love the staff there. We know how the process goes. They pad the cast the way we like. No standing in line at airport security trying to comfort a cranky or sleepy post-anesthesia baby. No rushing to return a rental car, navigating the return desk, the shuttles to the airport with bags and a stroller and car seat and aforementioned cranky post-anesthesia baby in tow.
Flying with him post-anesthesia might be hard, particularly. OR changes happen all the time and casts are outgrown all the time. Even if we COULD afford a cheap southwest flight (right now they're $385 per person, round trip X 3) and three nights in a hotel and four days of meals - which, really, that's pushing it, financially - if we had to change a flight at the last minute, we'd have to upgrade to a full fare for all three of us. It would be a LOT more if we had a schedule change.
And, if we need to get to Birmingham, it's a matter of just getting in the car and driving there in one day. OR times change. We got bumped and flipped more than once in the Shriners network. Communication can be difficult, delayed, and sometimes nonexistant (we were supposed to have been called back "tomorrow" countless times - including this last week when, once again, we never heard back. That's not adequate care, in my opinion. When you have a child with ANY medical issue, you need answers as quickly as possible. If someone takes three, four, six weeks to get back to you after repeated voicemails - that's not right.)
Basically, the way DH put it - it's a lot of extra expense, stress, travel, and inconvenience - and for what? Is there any true added benefit? It IS essentially the same treatment. (Talking with the other Birmingham casting families has confirmed this for me - that he HAS done over the shoulder casts and WOULD if we really wanted it - he's doing them on a casting-friend's son right now.)
I just kind of feel like I wanted this so badly, but now - thanks, but no thanks. Dr. K doesn't think that this is the end of casting for Jack anymore - he's willing to keep on trucking, he's still getting results and correction - and it's not like Dr. D feels so confident in Jack's case that he could do anything better for us. So, I think we'll stay with the team we've come to know and care for, who hopefully feels the same way about us.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
A Plea for Airline Miles/Reward Credits
UPDATE******** CHANGE OF PLANS - SEE JUNE 23 POST ***********
Because we're going to Salt Lake!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We were floored - positively shocked - to get the approval letter yesterday. Salt Lake City is home to THE most experienced early intervention doctor. We are so blessed to be invited to his practice.
While there are charity organizations like Angel Flights that transport patients, they only allow for one parent to accompany the child. I'm sure you can understand the concern with having your child undergoing medical treatment and not being able to both be there should something arise. Also, these planes are often small, seating only two people and their luggage. One such flight was in the news this week when it crashed, killing a two year old obtaining a similar treatment on her legs at an out of state hospital.
While we are blessed to typically have the means to be able to pay for a Southwest flight, there are huge penalties when a flight is changed at the last minute. Many times we cannot book the flight until we know that the OR date is firm, sometimes even not knowing if he will outgrow a cast until the week it is suddenly too small. Also, if he has an anesthesia reaction, we may be required to stay an additional day in the hospital. Missing a flight like that would require us to upgrade a flight to premium, costing upwards of $600 - $800 for the change. Also, while Jackson can technically fly free until his birthday, that is next month. So, we will need 3 seats per visit, round trip.
Flying to and from Salt Lake, thankfully, is a plentiful thing on airlines such as American and Southwest. Southwest's Rapid Rewards flights are transferrable and there are no penalties. They can be booked on any flight, there are no blackouts or restrictions, and we can change the flight up to the day of.
These are precious to us and provide far more than the worth of the flight. I know some of you may not travel often, but for those who do - would you please consider signing up for a free Rapid Rewards account and flying Southwest? It will save your company/client money because the flights are so much more affordable, and you can obtain a free flight just by taking 8 round trips.
Similarly, if anyone has existing reward flights or even miles from another carrier, those would be so greatly appreciated. As Jackson turns two, and his spine becomes less flexible and his growth slows, we are coming upon a very difficult time where every day, every cast is precious. Each one must be applied at the very best, most experienced facility, by the most experienced person or we risk not only not having correction, but also having him regress further like he has. This is buying our child valuable time to grow and have his heart and lungs function properly - it is literally adding years to his life.
Please let us know if there is anything you are able to do. We are also always in need of hotel room loyalty points/rewards. Ronald McDonald House is a fantastic charity, but they cannot guarantee a room. They put you on a waiting list and will let you know if a bed is available the day of your visit. Naturally, we cannot wait until that day to know if there will be a place to sleep, so we have to book rooms regardless, and, again, there are penalties for last minute changes and cancellations.
And, always, thank you for your continued prayers and thoughts along this ever-changing journey.
Because we're going to Salt Lake!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We were floored - positively shocked - to get the approval letter yesterday. Salt Lake City is home to THE most experienced early intervention doctor. We are so blessed to be invited to his practice.
While there are charity organizations like Angel Flights that transport patients, they only allow for one parent to accompany the child. I'm sure you can understand the concern with having your child undergoing medical treatment and not being able to both be there should something arise. Also, these planes are often small, seating only two people and their luggage. One such flight was in the news this week when it crashed, killing a two year old obtaining a similar treatment on her legs at an out of state hospital.
While we are blessed to typically have the means to be able to pay for a Southwest flight, there are huge penalties when a flight is changed at the last minute. Many times we cannot book the flight until we know that the OR date is firm, sometimes even not knowing if he will outgrow a cast until the week it is suddenly too small. Also, if he has an anesthesia reaction, we may be required to stay an additional day in the hospital. Missing a flight like that would require us to upgrade a flight to premium, costing upwards of $600 - $800 for the change. Also, while Jackson can technically fly free until his birthday, that is next month. So, we will need 3 seats per visit, round trip.
Flying to and from Salt Lake, thankfully, is a plentiful thing on airlines such as American and Southwest. Southwest's Rapid Rewards flights are transferrable and there are no penalties. They can be booked on any flight, there are no blackouts or restrictions, and we can change the flight up to the day of.
These are precious to us and provide far more than the worth of the flight. I know some of you may not travel often, but for those who do - would you please consider signing up for a free Rapid Rewards account and flying Southwest? It will save your company/client money because the flights are so much more affordable, and you can obtain a free flight just by taking 8 round trips.
Similarly, if anyone has existing reward flights or even miles from another carrier, those would be so greatly appreciated. As Jackson turns two, and his spine becomes less flexible and his growth slows, we are coming upon a very difficult time where every day, every cast is precious. Each one must be applied at the very best, most experienced facility, by the most experienced person or we risk not only not having correction, but also having him regress further like he has. This is buying our child valuable time to grow and have his heart and lungs function properly - it is literally adding years to his life.
Please let us know if there is anything you are able to do. We are also always in need of hotel room loyalty points/rewards. Ronald McDonald House is a fantastic charity, but they cannot guarantee a room. They put you on a waiting list and will let you know if a bed is available the day of your visit. Naturally, we cannot wait until that day to know if there will be a place to sleep, so we have to book rooms regardless, and, again, there are penalties for last minute changes and cancellations.
And, always, thank you for your continued prayers and thoughts along this ever-changing journey.
Monday, June 16, 2008
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